Seeking The Light

Tag: Light

  • Scrambling for a Foothold-January 19, 2026

    I’ll just start with the facts. I woke to negative 11 degrees Fahrenheit. I live in the Twin Cities area in Minnesota. I am a Christian of the catholic variety. I am financially well off. And, for the past 2 weeks, I’ve been scrambling for a foothold.

    My recent days have been disordered. There is some routine like taking care of my granddaughter, making meals, cleaning the house, going for walks, attending work meetings for my local Master Gardener group; I read my daily scripture and my daily meditation from the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC), I go to church and I unintentionally hide from the presence of God.

    The “dire news overload of despotism, division, and moral outrage”* that is the reality for Minnesota right now, has sucked the light out of my life. I keep going back to my news resources multiple times a day and get lost in the scroll. I am listening for someone who can stop this unjust madness. I am looking for kindness when the ICE agents (yes even the ICE agents) slip on Minnesota ice. I am searching for understanding; for someone to explain what is happening and how to avoid the pending doom. I am watching for Justice. I am waiting for Mercy. And I hide in my routine and my home.

    The news and social media do not sooth my need. When I literally ache with the scariness and sadness of it all, I sooth my mind and body by binging a Netflix series. (Embarrassingly, I’m on season 8 of the Walking Dead and started Veronica Mars too). Anything to take my mind off it all. My husband says “you get in a foul mood”. How can I not? I fluctuate between panic and numbness.

    I am scrambling for a foothold. I think my faith and morning “reading ritual” will help me through. But I don’t let myself be calmed. I don’t let myself listen for the Lord’s word. I am not sitting in His presence.

    CAC theme for 2026 is Good News for a Fractured World. So, I’ll listen right now for some Good News. The readings today include Mark 2: 18-22 “new wine is poured into fresh skins”. Weird “word” for me to listen to today. What is the message?

    Sometimes I just free associate the “word” I hear in scripture. I need new skin. My skin needs to be new so that Jesus’s Way- a new way- can inhabit my being. Skin deep. Skin is the first thing other’s see of us. Skin protects us from the outside. Skin needs care to be healthy. Skin is fragile and strong at the same time. Skin can stretch. Skin has many colors. Most skin has some blemish. Skin bruises easily. Skin will reflect when our insides are sick or unhealthy as well as when our insides are healthy.

    In the past 6-12 months, many truths have soaked into my being. One truth is that God is with us, here and now. “For the darkness is passing away, and the true light is already shining” 1John 2. Even my panic, even my foul moods, all of my weakness do not impede the light. Remembering this truth requires daily (or even several times a day) quiet to listen. Then he can pour his spirit into me, Into my new, more resilient skin.

    His spirit provides me calm confidence even in the darkness .

    Jesus, today, I want to move my feet onto your path (again); to stop scrambling for a foothold in the surrounding morass. Once on your path, grasp my hand (again)to lead me to develop new habits and to be part of your light in these dark times.

    * quote from CAC excerpt 12/30/25 by Carmen Acevedo Butcher

  • To You I Lift my Soul

    The readings today are  Jonah 3:1-10 , Psalm 51 and Luke 11:29-32. The theme of the readings is harsh. I’m not drawn to them. A city awash in sin behaviors, hears Jonah’s message and everyone from king to servant repents, and God’s relents. Jesus says “”This generation is an evil generation; it seeks a sign, but no sign will be given it, except the sign of Jonah.” I don’t like this verse. It’s so stark. “This generation is an evil generation”. Jesus, is being so blunt. Why? I am sitting her 2000+ years away and it’s like whiplash “Wait, What?” If someone said that today, so bluntly…I would likely write him off.

    And yet, I know the society I live in is not perfect. There is greed, deceitfulness, self-serving actions/agencies/people, apathy toward pain, hunger and suffering, very rich and very poor, inequality….the list goes on. More importantly, I know that I am not perfect. I incorporate into my daily life many of societies abnormal norms. Most, without acknowledgement but as a “right” of being an upper class American.

    Jesus says “this is an evil generation”. When I let myself hear it, my response is shame. Appropriate. I rarely get to the next response, though. I think about “giving to the poor or the food shelf”. Then, life’s responsibilities fill in my mind and the response is muted. Action is needed, but my will to do it is weak. Some other response is needed.

    David wrote this deeply personal psalm (51)

    Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
    in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
    Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
    and of my sin cleanse me.

    A clean heart create for me, O God,
    and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
    Cast me not out from your presence,
    and your Holy Spirit take not from me

    Did David experience this inconsistency of heart and spirit? He sounds as if he believes, that even though his response to God is weak , God’s love for him is goodness, is greatness, is compassion, is cleansing, is steadfast. How else could he ask for these things?

    Jesus says to the people in the reading above:
    “and there is something greater than Jonah here.”

    Jesus, I believe your presence in my life has more power and influence even than the words of Jonah (which changed the behavior of an entire city of people ). It’s like you’re saying to me “Wake up! and after you recognize what is happening around you and within you, hold fast to me….I will see your through…I am greater than the evil within and without you”.

    OK, I’ll take that. Help me hold fast to you, seek your face every day and have the fortitude to be the action you need in the world today. During this Lent want to turn toward you.

    I am listening to this beautiful prayerful song from Hope Publishing by Hannibal, as a way to sit in God’s presence, in His mercy and in the warmth of His light.

    To you, Lord, I Iift my soul, Lord I place you in control. Those who wait upon you will be blessed. Show me, Lord, which path to take, guide me in each choice I make. I am yours and I long for you each day, comfort me I pray. Lord, my heart I give to you, with my hands lift praise to you. Guide my feet to follow in your ways. God will pardon every sin, make me pure and whole again, in my soul residing day and night, warming me with holy light. Bring me out of my distress, guard my soul and deliver me. Heal my brokenness, bring me peace and rest. I wait upon you, Lord.

  • Drowning in chaos

    February 18, 2025

    Drowning in the chaos

    Yesterday, I chose to hide in movies by the end of the day. In an alternate world. I escaped.  I was bombarded with DT news yesterday.  Even hearing one, I suppose, well-meaning, young 23 yr old Republican saying (paraphrased) that “Everyone wants what DT is doing”.  And, only a few hundred demonstrated at our MN capitol today.  I heard a clip of a,  I suppose well-meaning, older lady expressing very unclear reasons why she was demonstrating against DT.  I find myself reading Panama’s and Ukraine’s and Europe’s responses to DT proposals and siding with them. I feel as if I am living in country in which I don’t identify.   He’s NOT my president.   THIS OVERWHELMS me and I have to LEAVE IT sometimes.  I have a sense of dread and fear that bad things are going to happen.

    On the other hand, my morning scripture readings and CAC meditations are emphasizing to me, how important changing myself is. How important it is to live in the world I am in.  With all my faults, with all the imperfections of others and society as a whole.  Without recognizing this, there is no need for my relationship with you.  Turning my inner and outer self to dwell in Him.  Not to dwell in the dim light of the world.  Forgiveness of “my enemies”.  Praying the Our Father.

    A dream I had last night was very emotional.  A man (DT?)  walked into my house.  I turned my back on him.  He tried to schmooze me, literally gently he leaned forward on my left from the back and tried to kiss my cheek.  I told him to “LEAVE me alone”.   I expressed anger at him.  I did not want him near me.  Then I said to him “I’ll get over the anger, but not now…”.   Why did I say that?  Who was this.  In the dream I really felt it was DT.  In reflection, I usually find I have to turn my dreams on end to understand them.  So was the man you, Jesus?   Am I to see you in all people, even in DT.     Am I really to pray for him.  He who will likely “blow up” some part of the world.  He who welcomes evil philosophies and appears to be an egomaniac showing no compassion.  How?  Is anyone else?  What will it matter?  Should I reach out to Maryann Budde? Is there someone in my little communities that I could pray with?  When? Where?    Show me Lord. 

    Today’s reading in Mark, you say to your disciples, ” Watch out, guard against the leaven of the Pharisees and the leaven of Herod”.  Then you say to the disciples “Do you still not understand?”   I wonder if you were saying, pay attention to what I can do.” I feed the 5 thousand with 5 loaves, and the four thousand with 7 loaves.”    “Why waste your time with attention and worry of the powerful?  Set your eyes on me, tune your ears to my voice, soften your heart to my people. I will walk into your house of chaos, your house of dread, your house of anger and gently be with you, even if you say “leave me”, I am there.  I give you the gift of feeling my loving presence.”

    Light of the world, I pray this morning as your sun comes over the hills and shines through the tree tops into my front window: “The voice of the Lord is over the waters, the LORD, over vast waters.  The voice of the LORD is mighty; the voice of the LORD is majestic.  The Lord will bless his people with peace.”  Ps 29.     Thank you for your presence in my life even though I often just turn my back to you and become overwhelmed in the flood of chaos.  Help me to remember your loving presence today. 

  • Seeking the Light: Remember

    Rejoicing, huh?

    January 26, 2025

    …For rejoicing in the LORD must be your strength!  Nehemiah 8:10

    This past week, I have allowed myself to get sucked into the disfunction, chaos and disturbing proclamations from DT.  My email feed, has more DT “Breaking news” this week than almost anything else.  The first few words, drag me into the morass that his words and actions so often fling me.  Even listening to MPR (Public radio) is treacherous if I’m trying to avoid news generated by his spinners.  A useful thing I heard though, was that he intentionally saturated “the bandwidth” with presidential proclamations and other ideas to scatter focus.  Those who disagree with any of his actions don’t know where to concentrate first.   Well, dang, I think he has been probably effective in that. 

    I want NOT to have this narcissist and his actions be the fearful content of my day.  The past week, feels like it’s been “forever” since he was sworn in.  As of 12:31 pm today, it hasn’t even been 7 full days yet.  How will I get through the next years in a hopeful, joyful, fruitful way?  How do I stay informed without getting riled up every time I listen or read the news? 

    Today bible readings for Catholic mass included the above quote.  “Rejoicing in the Lord must be your strength.” The phrase immediately jumped out. If I want strength through this long dimly-lit culture of the next 4 years, I need to Rejoice.  Huh?   What is there to rejoice in?  There is too much gloom generated, spoken, and done that is flooding into my world.  When and how do I find the stuff that causes rejoicing?

    The setting of the quote from Nehemiah and the gospel today from Luke have shed some LIGHT on this.  Our parish deacon pointed out that the Jewish people where listening to the “Torah” standing for most of the day before they laid on the ground crying.  They had been 70 years in exile and this was the first time together as a people they heard the Torah proclaimed.  They were overwhelmed.  Then Nehemiah, Ezra and the Levites said….”“Go, eat rich foods and drink sweet drinks, and allot portions to those who had nothing prepared; for today is holy to our LORD. Do not be saddened this day, for rejoicing in the LORD is your strength!”  Hmmmm.

    In Luke’s gospel.  Jesus reads the scroll from Isaiah.  “He unrolled the scroll and found the passage where it was written: The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring glad tidings to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim liberty to captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free, and to proclaim a year acceptable to the Lord.  Rolling up the scroll, he handed it back to the attendant and sat down, and the eyes of all in the synagogue looked intently at him. He said to them,  “Today this Scripture passage is fulfilled in your hearing.””    Or, translated by me he said:  “I am in the world and all these GOOD things are in the world.  This is the time of my reign.”   He didn’t say some time in the future is my reign.  He said now, his historic time, even though there were lots of evil, bad, unjust, terrible things going on. He says (my take on his words)  “Look at all the things of worth and frankly miraculous that are going on, you can see glad tidings now, you can rejoice now”.    

    As a follower of Jesus, I believe his reign is NOW too.  His presence is here today, not just 2000 years ago.  Why am I letting myself be overwhelmed with the current day evil?  Why aren’t I looking at and for the “miraculous” now and seeing the “glad tidings” now and “rejoicing” now? 

    Lord, Light in my life, help me remember your presence now in the world.  Help me do this every day. Then, teach me to rejoice and live in your strength.

    Ah! Pope Francis asks us to remember

    January 27, 2025

    From Pope Francis Homily, on the 6th Sunday of Ordinary Time.    “The Lord has not spoken to us as silent listeners, but as His witnesses, called to evangelize at all times and in every place,” he said. “Let us commit ourselves to bringing the good news to the poor, proclaiming release to captives and recovery of sight to the blind, letting the oppressed go free and announcing the year of the Lord’s favour.”  from Vatican News   

    Our spiritual leader, a Light in this world, calling us to be this light for others in this world, in this time. 

    Remember: my healing

    January 29, 2025

    A leper came to him begging…, “If you choose, you can make me clean.” Moved with pity, Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, “I do choose. Be made clean!” —Mark 1:40–41   

    From the reflection from CAC (Center for Action and Contemplation) on Jan 29: 

    Brueggemann imagines those healed by Jesus singing Psalm 30:5, “Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” 

    “A lot of lepers are still in the night. But they wait for the morning when comes healing. This faith of … Jesus and the church is not a moral code or an ideology or a quarrel. It is rather a performance of transformation, of old made new, of lost found, of dead made alive. And the whole cosmos is filled with the singing of ex-lepers, the saints of God who attest that gifts from the holy God are given that make for life. ”

    Remembering my healing.

      I lived in a gray cloud of unhappiness most of my teenage and young adult years; even into adulthood, young married and parenting life.  What changed was I saw an image drawn by St Hildegard of Bingen.  She was being shot with arrows from three demons.  I recognized my own malady.  This day, I can’t even definitively say all their names:  I know two were named the demons of self-recrimination and self-consciousness.  The third was something like self-hatred…but I know at that time I did not call the demon that.  I remember praying for Jesus, to remove those demons.  From that moment on, my inner self was free from the strangle hold they had on my every thought.  I felt a new ability to live my life without those constant devils torturing my thoughts and affecting my happiness.  I could see beauty in nature, in my family, in the physical gifts in my life and feel joy; this was a feeling that was new to me.  

    As I re-read the above, it reads to me as a small event; it wasn’t.   Occasionally, I have an echo of those demons saying to me….”you weren’t worthy of that healing…what have you done since?”   I recognize the deception of that statement right away and can put it easily aside.  Instead, I recognize the truth of the event when “my weeping lingered for the night, but joy came in the morning”.  

    Whenever, I doubt your presence Lord, I remember that healing in my life.  Instead of life in dimness, instead of life in a suffocating gray cloud, I live in the warmth and illumination of your Light.  Although, I am not all you call me to be, yet, “your favor lasts in my lifetime”.     I pray the words of Psalm 30:

    I praise you Lord, for you raised me up and did not let my enemies rejoice over me!

    Oh Lord, my God, I cried out to you for help and you healed me.

    Lord, you brought my soul up from Shoel; you let me live from going down into the pit.

    Sing praise to the Lord, you faithful; give thanks to his holy memory.

    For his anger lasts a moment; his favor a lifetime.

    At dusk weeping comes for the night; but at dawn there is rejoicing.